Laidback Gourmet: Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans

Greetings muggles and welcome to the Laidback Gourmet where we’ll be making magic happen! How about a little hocus pocus to start?

Nothing up my sleeve!


It’s maaaaaaaaaaaaaagic!

Suck on that David Copperfield!

What the…? I was trying to make Lindt chocolates appear! I must have hoi when I should have dhleed? So what unholy abomination did my sinful perversion of the dark arts create?

I would have preferred butter beer.

Why, its Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans! Just like the confection that Harry Potter eats in his books! It’s almost as if I’m a huge Harry Potter fan or something. It’s not like I waited for the Midnight release of the last two books or anything… *cough cough*. Actually all hocus pocus aside I’d like to thank loyal reader Mary for sending me these beans to review. I assume she sent these to me because she’s a big fan and thought these would make for a wacky review.

Oh, don’t be disgusted, it’s simply the menu of a public school cafeteria

…or she hates me and wants to see me dead. What the hell is with these flavors? Earthworm? Dirt?? Boogers?!?! Yes, I know those are all flavors mentioned in the book but there’s a difference between reading it in a book and shoveling it into your mouth. What’s next? Cockroach Clusters and Blood Lollipops?

Alright, for those of you who aren’t a fan of Harry Potter, let me catch you up. In the Harry Potter universe there is a wizard candy called Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans. When Harry first buys them he’s warned by his best friend Ron that he has to be careful with those, when they say every flavor they mean EVERY FLAVOR. There’s your normal flavors like Candy Floss and Cherry, but you also have dirt, sausage, earwax, booger, and vomit flavored ones. There is no equivalent of the FDA in the wizarding world apparently.

So to tie in with Harry Potter mania Jelly Belly made their own version of these candies completely with all the disgusting flavors. Again. Thanks Mary. Well, let’s dump these out and see what we got.

They look so harmless

So much punishment, so little time. I think the best way for me to handle this review is to just simple eat one and write what I think about that particular flavor. I think trying to take a picture of each flavor individually would just be ridiculous. You really want pictures? Alright fine. Here’s me holding one bean, but that’s all you get:

Blueberry, the bluest of all the berries

Alright let’s get started. All the normal flavors are all pretty good. Cherry, Cinnamon, Marshmallow; they’re all are brightly flavored and tasty. However, I know that’s not what your here for. You want me to eat the garbage flavors. Alright, here goes:

Soap: This one actually had a light soapy flavor. It basically tastes like how those tiny soaps smell. Interesting.

Grass: Earthy flavor here. I’d say it like eating a piece of lettuce with sugar on it. Not unpleasant actually

Black Pepper: Ok this one is weird, it really tastes like black pepper. In fact it made me sneeze a bit! And it burned my tongue in a spicy way. I’m not sure if I liked this one or not but it was different for sure!

Sausage: This one’s nasty. It has that fake meat flavor that reminds me of those meat Doritos that were equally gross. It sort of tastes like meat, but not quite… it’s like the uncanny valley of meat.

Oh, now we’re in for a good one… sighs…

Earwax: Um? Actually… this one’s pretty good! It actually reminds me of a lemon spice cookie. Almost like a gingerbread or something. Not bad at all!

Dirt: You know how you can sometimes guess how something will taste by how it smells? Well this tastes exactly like how wet earth smells. Its not good at all, but its actaully not nearly as gross as I thought it would be.

And now we come to the unholy trilogy of flavors, Earthworm, Booger and Rotten Egg. This will require all my steely nerves to handle this.

Earthworm: Odd. Actually kind of a mix of marshmallow flavor and what I think is grass flavored. I dunno, I somehow feel that real earthworms would be more savory, but I have no basis of knowledge on that. This one’s actually alright.

Booger: I was wincing before eating this one but again… I’m kind of surprised. This one doesnt have much taste to it, it’s just sweet with a slight hint of salt. It’s not that bad, and if it had a different, less disgusting name it probably wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow.

Rotten Egg: OH SWEET GOOGLY MOOGLY WHAT IS IN MY MOUTH?!?!?! This is easily the most disgusting of the whole lot. It really does taste like rotten eggs, and I think I know what flavor this really is. I’ll bet dollars to donuts they used over cooked cabbage because that’s exactly what this reminds me of. Absolutely vile.

Well that’s the whole lot. Yes, I know I never tried the vomit flavor but unfortunately as you can see from the picture above there are none of those and I promise you I’m not going out to buy a box of these to try and find that one flavor. I think I’ve punished myself enough for one review, thank you very much.

Final thoughts, some of the normal flavors are good, but most are pretty gross with completely disgusting names. I guess it might be something to do as a dare with your friends or if you want to try them because you’re a big Harry Potter fan but these really aren’t very good. They’re pretty faithful to the book with all the flavors mentioned in one pack, and there’s no denying that these things are crazy wacky. Final Score:

Well, since all the time turners have been destroyed I think that’s all the time I have for this edition. Thank you as always for reading, and please send all your thoughts, suggestions or reviews by owl post or simply email me at Once again, a very huge thank you to Mary for giving me these to review I’ll be sending you a howler as real soon as revenge. Until next time, I’m Ed DiFolco, your Laidback Gourmet,

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