Welcome back to the Laidback Gourmet. While there wasn’t a Japanuary this year, mostly because my go-to Asian market closed up and moved away (something I’m still upset about), I did come across a little gem at my local Aldi’s today. It’s like Edfucius once said, “When one finds a bowl of instant Kung Pow Noodles for 1.29, one must try them.” Edfucius’ sayings were oddly specific. Well anyway, today Im going to look at Fusia Spicy Kung Pao Noodle Bowl:
Fusia. I’d make the typical “hot plate” joke here, but I think this time it hits a bit too close to home!
The last Laidback I did was something that was actually spicy, as opposed to just hot. I wonder if we can go two for two! Unlike most of the things I review here this one actually takes a bit of prep work, so let’s get to it. First thing you have to do is open it up. Makes sense.
Space age food technology
Inside we find something that appears to nearly be, but not quite, food. Everything is sealed up to keep the bacteria out and the evil spirits locked in. First thing first, we open up the noodles.
AND THIS WAS THE WITCHES HAIR, WoooOOOOooOOOooo…
The noodles are similar to that to the noodles I used to get at my beloved Asian Market, before it’s sad premature closure, so that’s a hopeful sign. Maybe everything that goes into this bowl will actually be surprisingly high quality? Next it says to add the vegetable pack:
The same vegetables they put on Cool Ranch Doritos apparently
Yea… “vegetables”. I know you have to freeze dry vegetables to make them shelf stable in things like this, but I suspect these things were never actual things that grew in the ground to begin with. Well, next comes the Kung Pow sauce. Speaking of, did you ever see Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, it was a movie about a guy with a face on his tongue and he… never mind, let’s move on. The sauce:
Add 1/4 cup of demon blood and stir to combine
Actually the sauce has that spicy sweet smell that I do love with some Asian foods. You add 2 tablespoons of water to the bowl, cover lightly then nuke for two minutes. If you’d like to simulate my own experience in waiting for the noodles feel free to watch this for two minutes:
Welcome back, here’s what came out of the microwave:
Is it delivery? Or is it DiGiorno?
Chopsticks weren’t included, but fortunately I always have a few pairs at home for just such an emergency. Well, it looks ok, and smells ok, but I guess it’s all about how it tastes.
om nom nom
…I’m conflicted. Taste wise it’s not bad. It actually has a nice heat to it, but there’s a lot of sweet/spicy flavor there. The addition of peanuts add a bit of earthiness and crunch and is welcomed. However, the fatal flaw to this dish is it’s texture.
Look, I wasn’t expecting much from an instant noodle dish I got for less than a buck fifty, but the texture is just vile. The noodles are very mushy and the sauce takes on the consistency of dried pasta sauce. The best way to describe the texture is if you have ever tried to reheat leftover spaghetti and you get the water/sauce ratio wrong and you end up with dried sauce on glued onto the soggy noodles. Low points for wackines as well. It doesn’t even come with a tiny little pair of chopsticks, nor does it have a cheesy wacky mascot on the package! Final Score:
Well that concludes this edition of the Laidback Gourmet. Thank you for reading and please send all feedback and praise to SuperfriendEd@Gmail.com. Until next time, I’m Ed DiFolco, your Laidback Gourmet and if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go back into mourning the loss of my beloved Asian market. I think I’ll pour a 40 of soy sauce on the curb in it’s memory.
…was that racist?