Big D: “Hey Ed, don’t you think it’s time for you to do a new Laidback Gourmet? It’s been forever since your last one!”
Oh come on, it hasn’t been that long!
Big D: “Oh yea? Take a look at your work area!”
Alright, but what am I suppose to see…
Hm. OK, maybe it’s been a bit longer than I realized. Well I’d love to do a review right now, but I really don’t have anything to review at the moment. Maybe I can run to the store and get something…
Big D: “Don’t worry about it, I got this one covered for you, I got you these new Doritos to review.”
FIERY FUSION? Seriously? You know I really don’t like really hot stuff, since when do I review that stuff?
Big D: “What are you talking about? You’re half Italian, you love spicy food!”
Spicy isn’t the same thing as hot. Spicy is heat with flavor. Hot is heat just for heat’s sake. But, they are snack foods… they are a popular brand… and they are brand new… guess that’s all the makings of an LBG, but you owe me one for this one. Might as well get this started…
Hello, welcome to the Laidback Gourmet where the temperature is always HOT HOT HOT… at least in the summer anyway. Today I’ll be taking a look at the newest flavor Doritos has to offer: “Firey Fusion: Sizzlin Cayenne and Cheese”. Reluctantly looking at them, but looking at them at any rate. Let me be honest with you my loyal readers, I tend to not like things that simply hot for hot’s sake. If I’m going to eat heat, I want some flavor reward with it. For instance; chipoltes have some heat to them, but they also have a delicious smokey flavor. However when I hear about people who add ghost chilis to their brownies because they like “A little heat” with their dessert, I can only shake my head in disbelief. Why am I saying all this? Simply to explain that I am not the toughest person when it comes to heat and to explain why I have a cup of milk with me during the review:
I believe in the Scout’s motto: Always be prepared. Well the motto is either that or “Pinecones make great toilet paper”, but I dont really subscribe to that one as much. Might as well open this up and get this one started:
Well, they kind of have that evil dark orange color associated with heat, but they don’t SMELL like they have any heat to them. Maybe they won’t be that bad, maybe I’m overreacting! Let’s try them!
Om nom nom
*COUGH* *COUGH*Or, they could be friggin’ hot. Whew, alright, time for the milk…
Glug glug GUZZLE
Whew… still feeling a bit of the burn, but I think I can try and review these. First off, much too hot for my personal tastes. However, the real problem is that there’s no real FLAVOR to go with that heat. All I can taste are plain corn Doritos with no cheese or any other kind of flavoring powder, but just lots of heat. In fact, I’d say these are paradoxically both really hot but also really bland. They don’t really taste like much of ANYTHING, just heat. Even if I was a fan of heat I think I’d find these to be pretty lousy. 2 out of 10.
Well, that concludes this edition of the Laidback Gourmet, thank you as always for rea…
Big D: “Hold on Ed, you’re not done yet! I got you another bag to review!”
…this is because I haven’t reviewed in a while, isn’t it?
Big D: “Whatever do you mean?”
Grumble Grumble, fine… looks like this is a double review folks. Apparently the good people at Frito Lays has made the exact same Firey Fusion flavor in their Cheetos as well. Well, Cheetos are always cheesier than Doritos so maybe these will actually have a flavor? Let’s take a look at what these doodles look like:
Same color, same lack of smell. Might as well get this over with…
Om nom nom
BLEH… and the same complete lack of any taste whatsoever with unpleasant amounts of heat. I think the easiest way to describe both of these snacks is imagine if you took a regular Cheeto or Dorito and then proceeded to lick off all the flavoring powder. Then you light the chip on fire and pop it into your mouth. No flavor but lots of heat. Same score: 2/10. If you are a fan of eating heat just because you like the sensation of hot then your score might be higher, but I’m sorry, I find these to be bland, gross and painful. I’d recommend getting the Sweet Chili Doritos if you want a little heat with some nice flavor with it.
Well this concludes this long awaited edition of the Laidback Gourmet. Thank you as always for reading, please send your emails to SuperfriendEd@Gmail.com. That includes any feedback, suggestion, praise, or sympathy cards for my poor tongue after this review. Until next time, I’m Ed DiFolco, your Laidback Gourmet, and I think i’ll let Ralph Wiggum sum up my thoughts this week: