Greeting members of the Superfriends Universe, it is I, Ed DiFolco, your laid back gourmet. “Laidback Gourmet”? What does that mean? Basically it means I like food. I like good food. However, I don’t believe that good food can only be found in 5 star restaurants and be made by people with 20 assistants and a kitchen bigger than your whole home. Good food can be found everywhere. Even at Friendlys! (The secret is to not order food there but ask your waiter for directions to a good restaurant.)
Now how do you know what’s good and whats not? We know which fancy, hoity toity, high class, “please don’t remove your pants, sir” restaurants are good. There are tons of critics to review those, you really don’t need any help there. However, where do you turn to when you want to know how the new Doritios taste? Or that new flavor of Pepsi? Or Taco Bell’s newest unholy concoction? Who reviews them? Other than the tons of people who review them… NO ONE, that’s who. That’s where I come in… I’m your laidback gourmet.
Since this is my inaugural article, lets review an election. Today we look at Mtn. Dew’s DEWmocracy’s three flavor candidates: “White Out”, “Typhoon”, and “Distortion”. That’s right, THREE reviews for the price of one.
For those of you who don’t know, Mtn. Dew’s gimmick here was to release three new flavors and have you vote to see which flavor is going to stay around. Actually, its a pretty clever idea if you think about it. Now you can’t just buy ONE bottle of Mtn Dew, you have to buy THREE. That’s three times the profit, and three times the likely hood of developing diabetes.
First, let’s take a look at our candidates. Hey, wait, these are sodas right? So if Mtn. Dew can make a “DEWmocracy” pun, I shall call them “CANdidates”… …ignoring the fact that they are clearly bottles and not cans… …shut up.
As you can see, White Out delivers what it promises, a nice white color just like the correctional fluid of it’s name sake. Typhoon is a lovely shade of reddish pink, a color you probably cannot find in nature anywhere, and I assume it gets it’s name from a weather phenomenon over a sea plagued by red tide. Finally Distortion is a wonderful slime green color that reminds me of Ecto Cooler. Don’t know what Ecto Cooler is? What a sad childhood you must have had, I weep for you.
Ok, let’s get to tasting, I’ll just pour these three flavors out.
You’ll notice I’m using my George Killian’s Irish Red shot glasses. No, I don’t drink beer, but if I did, I’d support the company that sends me free shot glasses.
Our first CANidate is Typhoon. I’m going to drop that CANidtate joke before it gets old (too late). The bottle claims it to be “PUNCH of Mt. Dew with other natural flavors” ( Well, I’ll be the judge of that. Let’s just take a sip here. (Insert your own sound effect here).
Now feel free to insert a grunting type noise here as well. This one’s SWEET. REALLY Sweet. Cotton Candy/Chewing Gum sweet. Actually, chewing gum almost describes the flavor of this one. One of those mixed fruit flavors of gum you can smell someone chewing from 10 feet away. This drink tastes like the way that gum smells. You people probably want a rating or something, huh? Ok fine, let’s rate this one 4 out of 10.
Next up is our lovely slime colored Distortion. Still not sure why it’s called this, as the bottle describes it as “Lime Blasted Dew”. Why not call it Mtn Dew Blasted? Well, let’s give this one a try. (Once again, insert your own sipping noises)
Again, my first impressions are that this is one sweet drink, though not as sweet as Typhoon. However, the flavor is really kind of odd. The bottle promises lime, and it’s certainly lime. Not real lime, but lime flavored. In fact, you know what this tastes like? Remember those Fla-Vor-Ice tubes you used to get as a kid instead of having real ice cream because they were cheaper? You remember the green ice tubes? This tastes like a big ol’ bottle of melted carbonated green ice tube. Actually, the flavor isn’t unpleasant, but I don’t think I could drink a whole bottle of the stuff. Let’s say, middle of the road, 5 out of 10.
Last, and we’ll see if it’s least, we come to White Out. The bottle describes this one as “smooth citrus dew”. The color kind of reminds me of lemon fla-vor-ice tubes. Hmm, second time I used that reference, maybe I’m craving one or something… anyway, let’s try this one. (Once again again, let’s run this joke into the ground and insert your own sipping noises)
Ok… this one’s not bad. Not bad at all. I’d say this one reminds me of a slightly sweeter 7-Up. Not as sweet as the previous two, this one still is a little too sweet for my liking, but out of the three this is the only one I could envision myself actually finishing the bottle of. 7 out of 10.
So now that you know the candidates get out there and vote for your favorite.
…that’s what I would say if the contest didn’t end already. The whole gimmick ended June 14th and we found out on June 15th who won. Hey, don’t look at me like that for being late, I’m the LAIDBACK Gourmet, not the Prompt and On Time Gourmet. That title is much too long anyway and not nearly as catchy. Anyway, SPOILER ALERT!!!: White Out won.
Actually I’m not surprised, out of the three flavors that’s the one I enjoyed the most. So I guess the right candidate won. Let’s just see if it keeps its campaign promises or if it immediately sells out and becomes a puppet to “big sugar”.
That concludes this edition of the Laidback Gourmet, I thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed, and remember, “its a big world out there, make sure you take as big a bite.”
…I need a better catchphrase next time.